I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
