She is in my trunk
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
