hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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