so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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