Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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