dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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