It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
