I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
