I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
