These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You pole danced in your parka.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
