You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
