3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
