I wish I could teleport
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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