??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
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That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
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Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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