If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
