i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
