and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
