yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
These tits shall not be calmed
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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