Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
