I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
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