why didn't you poke me back
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
