please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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