just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
