Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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