It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
