I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i love accidental penises.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
