Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she looked like the before picture.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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