At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
