I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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