he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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