So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
