She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
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I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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