i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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