Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
