is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
