I wish I could teleport
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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