I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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