MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
