im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
