she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
