Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
