My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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