There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
