There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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