Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
