You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
