We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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