After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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