How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
