I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
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Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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