Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
