Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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