I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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